Self-Care Project: Final Paper
Carrie Occhino
Psychology of Altruism
Fall 2022
Maria Luisa Diaz de Leon Z., MA, REAT, RSME/T
December 6, 2022
My intention for this self-care project was to communicate with self through the practice of self-love. My activity surrounding this project aimed to focus on 10 core values that I feel resonate deeply with who I am as a person. These core values include authenticity, loyalty, artist, spirituality, honesty, sensitivity, integrity, creativity, courage, and adventure. Throughout my own personal therapy work, I have encountered the importance of staying within my core values as a way in which to fully activate my authentic self. Practicing self-love through a series of activities and meditation, I have found incredible insights through the documentation of journaling my experiences.
Tara Branch (2020) defines intention as “a powerful statement for motivation,” offering that through intention and attention we can find awakening through ourselves if we seek the powerful motivations behind our intentions. Branch (2020) also encourages that to move away from the patterns of the limbic side of our brain to our more evolved side of the brain, there must be a shift, or inclusion, of the capacity to see the larger picture of the world around us. Attuning to my most sacred values throughout this project, has given me the capacity to obtain a clearer view of self in relation to the larger framework of society. For me, the motivation behind my intention was fueled by words. Words that I spoke within myself, as well as those I spoke to the world around me were directly affected by the intention I sought through self-love. The way I communicated with myself ultimately set up how I was able to communicate with the world around me.
Through reading The Four Agreements, I found value in linking intentions with words. By attuning to my core values, I was able to activate my intentions through words, specifically my thoughts and the needs that were going unnoticed. Don Miguel Ruiz (1997) explained the that the impeccable use of our words is connected to the truth and love of ourselves. The value of the words cultivating my intentions then became the avenue in which I was able to listen to the unmet needs that I was craving, act upon them, and connect to self by honoring what was needed. When I can connect with my deepest needs, a communication is activated with self that in return I can bring to the world around me. My energy was being directed towards my own needs, instead of my perceived needs at the time. I have found that when I am able to commit to self-love, the love I bring to others is more genuine and comes from a place of deep understanding of the importance of foundational self-love.
Throughout the tracking process, I was able to honor what was working well, adjust to a deeper understanding of what activities activated authentic self-love, and offer a space that was guilt and judgement free. The journaling process was a place of exploration. I found at the beginning of this process there was confinement and restrictions that stemmed from the idea I had to stick to a strict list of ideas and activities. I found that when I released all adherence to the list and started off with a meditation of asking myself “what do you need now?” my attunement and self-awareness increased to acknowledge what was really needed for that day. Opening a flow for the desires through meditation, allowed me to connect with my core values on a level that was seeking to use my energy for what was going to bring me the greatest connection. By being open and honest with my own thoughts and needs, I was able to activate and inhabit a heart space that was authentic.
Also, bringing awareness to unmet needs, forced me to honor myself while working through uncomfortable resistances. Like all humans, I am a product of my attachment style, the environmental factors of my childhood, and the culture in which I was raised. My own experiences led me to towards a life of suppressing my own needs, while people pleasing to gain a sense of importance and safety in my life. Ultimately, I believed that if I could keep people happy around me then I could remain safe. Safety was important to me because of the trauma I experienced as a young girl, along with unmet emotional needs that left me vulnerable to patterns of negative self-talk. I really had no idea who I was because my identity was built on what other people needed me to be to survive. The biggest resistance I experienced during this process was the authority to give myself what I needed. My head and my heart went to battle as repressed needs were surfacing. My heart knew what was going to honor my core values, but my head tried multiple times to distract me with what others needed around me. Another head distraction was the automatic negative thoughts that were activated through this process. I found on the days that the negativity was loud, were the days I most needed to connect with myself. Ways in which I worked through the resistance were through meditation, prayer, and allowing myself to notice what was coming up, feel it for a few moments, and let it pass. Giving myself extra time to journal was also helpful in alleviating the resistance that would show up. Lastly, I had to give ways of reflection a choice. Initially I had planned to use photography to reflect on my process but found that very intimidating and confining. I found more value in releasing words; this allowed me to connect to my intentions more deeply.
Learning about the nature of altruism, I found it difficult to make a connection to this self-care project because the idea of taking care of myself, communicating with self, seemed like a very selfish place to land. I asked myself how is this project contributes to the nature of altruism? The answers I found might appear simple, because of course, how can we take care of others when we are not taking care of ourselves? I dug deeper and found that the connection lies within our posture. When I take care of myself, when I am truly connected to my core values, I can meet others selflessly because I am fulfilled. Instead of operating from an empty vessel, I can truly support, love, empathize, and offer a safe place for others. My positionality changes when I am deeply connected to self. When I am fulfilled, I can give out of a place of honesty, tenderness, and courage because I the focus is not being diminished from an unfulfilled need. I am filled therefore I can give without guilt or resentment. So, I ask myself how would I want to show up? The answer is only allowed if I have the connection with self as the foundation of altruism.
Through this coursework and self-care project I have learned the value of words and the power they have over our intentions. This awareness has affected me on a personal level, but I also agree that this a concept that can be translated into my future work as a clinician. The level of care and attunement to my own needs has increased my knowledge of how as a clinician it is imperative that I assist my clients towards their own self-awareness by having some focus on their own unmet needs. Having the power to connect with self will be a tool I wish to facilitate my clients towards achieving. Also, through the therapeutic relationship, there is the ability to show clients that connections are possible, and most importantly, can be safe. Offering a safe place to explore self within my own practice benefits both client/facilitator relationship along with client/self-relationship and their place in relation the world. I have also gained knowledge in the importance of clients and intentions. Having a clear direction with process and goals will assist in rapport, along with the ability for clients in setting intentions for life outside the clinical setting. Clear intentions ultimately set up successful boundaries. Throughout this project I have not only learned the power of words in setting up intentions, but also that through awareness and reflections, our intentions help set boundaries that ultimately support our intentions.
Boundary work has been an important aspect of altruism in that I have connected boundaries to valuing myself and creating a support for my own value system. Having the awareness of my own needs allows me to attune to, support, and communicate safe and effective boundaries. Creating those boundaries ultimately upholds my core values, and in return I can show up altruistically. Using this understanding I can effectively guide my clients as I support new ways of knowing in the clinical setting.
Throughout this project, the text “How Can I Help?” by Dass and Gorman (2003) has been an influential resource for confronting the areas that hold me back from being able to give of myself to others without damaging myself in the process. I viewed this text as a guidebook on how best to serve myself through self-awareness, reflection, and digging into the shadow side of self to uncover what holds me back from showing up from a place of abundance rather than a deficit. The starting point for me came when the authors called to look within. Dass and Gorman (2003) offered that we “must face our own doubts, needs and resistances” (p. 15). This project has offered the space needed to do just that. I was able to connect to my needs through the resistances and gain a deeper understanding of what unites me to my core values. What I also found profound within this text is the connection to the model of who we think we are is really sending a message to others about who we think they are. Our relationships are built around what we are communicating with ourselves about who we are. By diving into my core values, I was able to access my needs, therefore I was able to see all parts of myself. Dass and Gorman (2003) continue this thought by stating “if we are only seeing one part of the picture about ourselves,positive or negative, that’s all we’ll be able to make real to anybody else” (p. 28). This allowed me a perspective to view the connection between who I know I am and my relationship to how I am able to view others. Lastly, I was able to make a connection to listening and attunement with self. Dass and Gorman (2003) state that the deeper we can listen, the better we can attune to the needs of others. They state that “it is through listening that wisdom, skill, and opportunity find form in an act that truly helps” (p.112). This project not only allowed me to gain knowledge, but increased my ability to listen to myself, to the deeper unmet need. I believe this will greatly impact how I approach my future work as a clinician. With the practice of listening and attunement with self, I believe a greater sense of what others are needing will surface.
Reading The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz alongside working on this self-care project, allowed me to gain what Ruiz calls “personal freedom” (Ruiz, 1997, p. 98-100). Ruiz believes that personal freedom is gained through awareness, transformation, and intent. This project allowed me to dive fully into these three principles, exploring what personal freedom looks like through communicating self-love. Awareness was achieved through meditation and self-reflection. By honoring the process and concentrating on who I am and what has value to me, I was able to gain insight surrounding my identity. These values are the foundation on which I show up to the world, I feel more freedom to be my authentic self. Transformation occurred through the activity. By connecting with something or someone who has meaning cultivated from my core values, I felt more grounded in who I am and who I am able to become. Gaining confidence has been the biggest transformation throughout this whole process. Finally, my stating my intention I was able to give power to my voice and the words in which I spoke. I have chosen to give energy to the words in which I speak about myself, and the words in which I use to describe myself to others. Ruiz reminds me that others will have their opinions about me but that has nothing to do with me and more with who they are. In the end we all have our points of view, and the more I can be stable in my own views of myself, the less the words of others will affect me. I have learned that opinions and observations are merely information, and within relationships ask myself “am I creating assumptions? Do I have all the information I need?” By stating my intentions, I can hope to effectively communicate who I am and safely support the boundaries I need.
Given the outlined rubric I believe that my grade would reflect an A. I sense that my thoughts were well organized, and I followed the format correctly. My only criticism is that I am not perfect with my references and citations. I acknowledge my lack of proficiency in this area and aim to do the best I can with the knowledge that has been presented to me. I believe that my insights are deep and reflective and were carried throughout my paper. My reflections are sincere given the honesty that has been cultivated throughout this entire process of completing the self- care project and writing the reflection, along with the materials presented, and class participation.
References
Branch, T. (2020, January 15). Shifting from limbic to liberating intention. [Video] YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=exEIUePJShQ
Dass, R., & Gorman, P. (2003). How can i help? Stories and reflections on service. New York: Knopf.
Ruiz, D. M. (1997). The four agreements. San Rafael, CA: Amber-Allen Publishing.